This is All That I Can Say

March 27, 2011

The Bittersweet Truth

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jeniffer @ 9:55 PM

This is where things get tough, where my hurt begins to rise again, where my heart asks why.

I don’t know if anyone is ever thankful for the loss of a child. If anyone ever sees the blessings in disguise at the moment. Because I read of how she hurts. I read about her loss, her longing to feel the weight of him in her arms again, how she visited the grave for the first time. I read about the gravestone, about the things he left behind. And though I know these things cause pain, I am envious. I am envious simply because I don’t have these things.

My children aren’t in a coffin in the ground. They were either thrown away or flushed like a used tissue. They don’t have a gravestone, a memorial, or any earthly thing that was going to be theirs. My babies are nothing more than memories that I have to remind myself of as I wonder in amazement of my daughter. I am their only voice, no one else felt their presence so strongly, and even I forget.

I forget that my children were not sacrificed willingly. I forget that God called them too soon for me to even feel them, that He ripped them away from me, from this earth, and that I hurt deeply, bitterly, for a very long time. I forget because every reminder still hurts. I forget because I need to live in the present, to live fully in this joyous time. I forget because remembering brings back the old feelings that questioned God, and I desperately try to remember that God loves me no matter how I feel about it.

It takes a lot to remember the joy, the thankfulness that I have found in their lives and deaths.

  1. I have three children, not just one.
  2. I have two children that I will not have to worry about their salvation.
  3. They are already in heaven waiting for me.
  4. I can’t wait to meet them!
  5. I won’t have to worry about them getting sick or hurt.
  6. I cannot, in any way, damage them for life.
  7. I have been pregnant three wonderful times.
  8. I am more in awe of my daughter’s life than I would have been otherwise.
  9. I am more understanding of others who are suffering.
  10. I have much more patience with her at night. 🙂

There is good in the hurt. There is joy in the tears. And I can thank God for the experiences that He has brought me through because I have learned so much in them. I would never want to go through them again; I would never wish them on anyone; but I have survived, I have learned, and I can worship more fully now.

Suffering, in any form, is bittersweet. Would I take my babies back? In a heartbeat, if I could have all three of them. I would much rather have all of my children than be waiting to meet two of them. But would I trade the closeness that has been cultivated between me and my Lord? Never.

 

November 1, 2009

“The Least of These”

Filed under: American church,Christian living,God — by Jeniffer @ 4:29 PM

I am so stinkin mad right now!

There is a man who has been coming to our church for a few months. This man is kind of freaky. He is slightly mentally unstable (the kind where you’re not okay with leaving him alone with women or children), and he writes things like, “I want to kill myself,” and other freaky things during the service.

Yes, this is a cause for concern. Yes, this means that people are scared to come to church.

So what does the church do?

Kicks him out.

And then when he comes back Sunday morning?

Kicks him out again.

Cuz that is definitely showing the love of God.

“But he’s dangerous!” Okay. So was the leper. “He could kill someone!” Okay. And? Jesus WAS killed. He was almost stoned to death (as in they almost killed him by throwing stones), too. And Jesus still loved on those who tried to kill him.

I’m not suggesting that the man should be allowed to return to church without supervision. Or that he should just be allowed to be kicked out of church and have that be the end of it. It’s obvious that the guy needs counseling! It’s obvious that he needs some help!

But because people aren’t coming because following God might ACTUALLY lead to giving up life or time or money, there’s a problem. Because the Gospel is all about numbers.

 

No wonder the Church in America is dying. We won’t help the “least of these!” God condemn us all for our damnable actions!

September 30, 2009

Beautiful Scandalous Night

Filed under: God,Quotes — by Jeniffer @ 4:48 PM

These lyrics have touched me over the past couple of days.  I pray that they will touch your heart as well.  🙂

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain
Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall
Cleanse your heart and your soul
In the fountain that flowed
For you and for me and for all

CHORUS:
At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree
On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered
At the foot of the cross justified
And your spirit restored
By the river that poured
From our blessed Savior’s side

CHORUS

Go on up to the mountain of mercy
To the crimson perpetual tide
Kneel down on the shore
Be thirsty no more
Go under and be purified

CHORUS

August 30, 2009

The Orange Peel

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jeniffer @ 9:10 AM
Tags: , , ,


I eat an orange for breakfast everyday.  Okay, so it’s really a Clementine, but most people have never heard of them.  Imagine a smaller, sweeter Satsuma.  Don’t know what that is either?  How about a smaller, sweeter tangerine?  Got it?  Good.

So today I was peeling my Clementine when I noticed something strange.  Most of the time, I can peel Clementines quite easily, leaving most of the peel intact.  This Clementine, though, was stubborn.  I had barely started peeling when part of the flesh came out.  So I started in another area.  Before long, the peel broke.  Again and again I tried to peel it, but when I was finished, the poor thing looked as though I had gashed out its flesh on purpose.

I pulled apart the Clementine to start eating it, but even then the skin broke and juice spilled out.  Almost every action I took against the Clementine hurt it in some way, whether small or great.

Know what it reminded me of?  Me.  I am the Clementine.  I cling onto the outer shell of who I’m not.  The part that no one, especially God, can use.  So when God starts pulling off the areas that I know need to be taken, I hurt.  I make it a much bigger deal than the situation has to be because I’m clinging to the things that He has deemed unnecessary.

As I pulled apart the Clementine bit by bit, I told God that I felt like the Clementine.  I felt as though God had been breaking me little by little over the past summer.  Honestly, I felt like the bits of me that He had successfully cleared of the outside skin were open for the entire world to see.  My flesh had been broken in such a severe way that it was open to all sorts of things:  the air, diseases, germs, bugs, and even people.  Where He has broken me, I am the most vulnerable.

I’m scared right now.  I’m hurting.  I wonder if God will fix the hurt areas, though I know He can.  I can’t help but think that He doesn’t have to make me feel better.  He doesn’t have to make me well again.  (Honestly, if He did cure my wounds, I’m almost certain that I would run back to the outer skin that He has already peeled off of me.)  But God is there.  He is making me useful in the ways He needs me.  He is preparing me to be so much more than just a Clementine that just sits around.  He is preparing me to be eaten.  (By the way, what happens to anything that is not eaten for any length of time?  That’s right…it rots and is good for nothing but to be cast into the fire…or put in the compost pile!)

“Patience is more than endurance. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says- “I cannot stand any more.” God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands.” Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

July 31, 2009

Quotes found on Bring the Rain blog

Filed under: Quotes — by Jeniffer @ 3:30 PM

” Patience is more than endurance. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says- “I cannot stand any more.” God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands.” Oswald Chambers My Utmost For His Highest

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom – Anais Nin

God is more concerned about our character than our comfort. His goal is not to pamper us physically, but to perfect us spiritually. – Paul Powell

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Who can so softly bind up the wounds of another as he who felt the same wound himself? — Thomas Jefferson

“I would have never known the meaning of various psalms, come to appreciate certain difficulties, or known the inner workings of the soul; I would never have understood the practice of the Christian life and work, if God had never brought afflictions to my life.”–Martin Luther’s wife, Katherine

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.”
Mother Teresa

“No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”
— John Donne, from Meditation XVII

“…But it seemed to me that this is the way we all lived: full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and salvation.”
– Betta Nolan, The Year of Pleasures

And ever since then, O Kings and Queens, I have been wandering to find him and my happiness is so great that it weakens me, even as a wound. And this is the wonder of wonders, that he called me Beloved, me, who am but as a dog.”
CS Lewis, The Last Battle

“I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.” ~Stephen Grellet

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him. ~Leo Aikman

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? ~Abraham Lincoln

There are two kinds of people, those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way.” ~C. S. Lewis

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” CS Lewis

Writing, I think, is not apart from living. Writing is a kind of double living. The writer experiences everything twice. Once in reality and once in that mirror which waits always before or behind.
– Catherine Drinker Bowen, 1897 – 1973

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. — Rainer Maria Rilke

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
– Og Mandino

“Sometimes we pray for silver, when God wants to give us gold.”

We worship whom we trust, and we trust whom we know.” ~ David Jeremiah

“If I could just somehow,
passing through life,
be like salt in the Bible
and just make people thirsty
for the Word of life.

That’s all I’d ask.”

~Ruth Bell Graham

Tomorrow’s plans I do not know,
I only know THIS MINUTE,
But HE will say, “This is the way,
by faith now walk ye in it.”

“We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?? You are a child of God. Your playing small does NOT serve the world. There is no-thing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the Glory of God that is within us, ALL of us. And as we let our Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our Presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Grief is madness — ask anyone who’s been there. They will tell you it abates with time, but that’s a lie. What drowns you in the first year is a force of solitude and helplessness exactly equal in intensity to the love you had for the one who’s gone. Equally passionate, equally intimate. The spaces between the stabs of pain grow longer after a while, but they’re empty spaces. — Paul Monette, Borrowed Time

“I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heart beat. This love is so deep; it’s more than I can stand. I melt in Your peace. It’s overwhelming.” –Kari Jobe, “The More I Seek You”

“Our generation is realistic, for we have come to know man as he really is. After all, man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips.”
— Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl

“Better to pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than to fade and whither dismally with age.”
— Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man, James Joyce

“When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks, then it is I look at the trees. When there is nothing left to look at on this street. Four who grew despite concrete. Four whose only reason is to be and be.”
— The House on Mango Street, Sandra Cisneros

“That’s all I’ve ever dreamed of, Mr. Bones. To make the world a better place. To bring some beauty to the drab, humdrum corners of the soul. You can do it with a toaster, you can do it with a poem, you can do it by reaching out your hand to a stranger. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. To leave the word a little better than you found it. That’s the best a man could ever do.”
— Timbuktu, Paul Auster

“Faith isn’t the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It’s simply taking God at his word and taking the next step.”
~Joni Eareckson Tada

“Sometimes people leave you halfway through the wood
Others may deceive you, you decide what’s good
You decide alone, but no one is alone
Believe me, no one is alone”~Into the Woods (musical)

“When you have come to the edge
Of all light that you know
And are about to drop off into the darkness
Of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on or
You will be taught to fly”
Patrick Overton

“Be kinder than necessary. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle.”

Corrie Ten Boom said “There is no pit so deep that the love is Jesus is not deeper still”

“She lent herself to immemorial human attitudes which we recognize by instinct as universal and true. I had not been mistaken. She was a battered woman now, not a lovely girl; but she still had that something which fires the imagination, could still stop one’s breath for a moment by a look or gesture that somehow revealed the meaning in common things. She only had to stand in the orchard, to put her hand on a little crab tree and look up at the apples, to make you feel the goodness of planting and tending and harvesting at last. All the strong things of her heart came out in her body, that had been so tireless in serving generous emotions.
It was no wonder that her sons stood tall and straight. She was a rich mine of life, like the founders of early races.” My Antionia, by Willa Cather

Every person’s life is a fairy tale written by God’s fingers. – Hans Christian Andersen

Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark. — Rabindnanath Tagore

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang the best. – Henry Van Dyke

“Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled and it will be filled. You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising. But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven-only you. It is in the middle of misery that so much becomes clear. The one who says nothing good came of this is not yet listening.”
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

“…Anything we can do from the soulful self will help lighten the burdens of the world. Anything. Let us not forget what the smallest word, the tiniest generosity can cause to be set in motion. Be outrageous in forgiving. Be dramatic in reconciling. Mistakes? Let’s back up and make them as right as we can, then move on. Be off the charts in kindness. In whatever we are called to, strive to be devoted to it in all aspects large and small. Fall short? Try again. Mastery is made in increments, not in leaps. Be brave, be fierce, be visionary. Mend the parts of the world that are “within our reach.” To strive to live this way is the most dramatic gift we can ever give to the world.
– Clarissa Pinkola EstĂ©s

“There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they dont want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it’s insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no.”
-Mary Alice, Desperate Housewives

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s heart.” -Elizabeth Elliot

Before you were conceived I wanted you Before you were born I loved you Before you were here an hour I would die for you This is the miracle of life. – Maureen Hawkins

“Here is another sweet, fragrant mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worth all it will cost, since it is the abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all, to whom, while I minister in Christ’s name, I make a willing sacrifice of what little leisure for my own recreation my other darlings had left me. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother’s heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, her tenderest cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh, how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blest!”
-Elizabeth Prentiss

“So when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: “I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!”
– Martin Luther

“I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed.”
-Booker T. Washington

We so often just go on with our lives and don’t live life in a way that shows that we have an awesome gift. When people look at us, they should be able to tell there is something different in our lives that gives us true joy :).
– amy elizabeth kenney

“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” (the Princess Bride, the movie)

What God saved you FOR supersedes anything God has saved you FROM.

“When I learn to say yes to God’s will I am no longer preoccupied with myself, my abilities or the dreams for my life. Letting go of my dreams means my future will not be the way I always expected it to be. Only then, when I have released my death grip on what I believe God should do, the way I believe He should do it, and when I believe it should happen, am I free to fully receive what God has for me. If God calls me to put my dreams on the alter, I need to trust Him to replace them or revive them in a way that makes the original pale by comparison.”
~Gary Mayes

“When I left Queen’s my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don’t know what lies around the bend, but I’m going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla.”

The joy of sincere work and worthy aspiration and congenial friendship were to be hers; nothing could rob her of her birthright of fancy or her ideal world of dreams. And there was always the bend in the road! “‘God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world,'” whispered Anne softly.
~Anne of Green Gables

“We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -C.S. Lewis

“Sometimes it makes me sad, though – Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright, and when they fly away the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend…” -from The Shawshank Redemption.

“It takes a lot of rain to make grass this green”
Angie Smith

“Do not worry; eat three square meals a day; say your prayers; be courteous to your creditors; keep your digestion good; exercise; go slow and easy. Maybe there are other things your special case requires to make you happy, but my friend, these I reckon will give you a good lift”. – Abraham Lincoln

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Spread love everywhere you go: First of all in your own house…let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. – Mother Teresa

“To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!” – Emerson

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love – well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.” William Parish – Meet Joe Black

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” – Henri Nouwen

We encounter God in the ordinariness of life, not in search for spiritual highs and extraordinary mystical experiences but in our simple presence in life~Brennan Manning

“Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour…If at my convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? ~ Jane Eyre”

When all that I can bring is a broken Hallelujah,
When my only offering is shattered praise,
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks.
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah ~Mandisa

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.”~ Helen Keller

“Have courage for the great sorrows in life and patience for the small ones. And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” – Victor Hugo

“If you have a secret sorrow, a burden or a loss,
An aching need for healing… Hang it on the Cross.
If worry steals your sleep and makes you turn and toss,
If your heart is feeling heavy… Hang it on the Cross.”

God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with…..Oswald Chambers

The difference between and cow and a bean is a bean can begin an ADVENTURE!
(Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim)

Nine days, nine weeks, nine months… a mother’s heart knows not. For a mother’s love grows right from the start.

Every step I’m taking, every move I make feel lost with no direction, my faith is shaking but I gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my head held high. There’s gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes I’m gonna have to lose. Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side. It’s the climb. ~Miley Cyrus

Faith is to Believe what you do not yet see, The reward of this Faith is to see what you Believe. ~ Saint Augustine

“I am overcome with all the pain & hurt in the world. But I am even more overcome that God chooses to do anything about it.” Paul Tilich

“love is the only flower that grows and blossoms without the aid of seasons.”~kahil gibran

“You are everything I never knew I always wanted” from “Fools Rush In”

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. –C.S. Lewis

Lemony Snicket: (narrating) We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“The immigrant’s heart marches to the beat of two quite different drums, one from the old homeland and the other from the new. The immigrant has to bridge these two worlds, living comfortably in the new and bringing the best of his or her ancient identity and heritage to bear on life in an adopted homeland.”
– Irish President McAleese

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.- Helen Keller

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. ~The Beatles~

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. ~Corrie Ten Boom

“Do not be discouraged if you must climb a mountain to reach your heart’s desire. The view will enchant you to atone for your labors.”
~Robert Donlevy

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”
~ Steel Magnolias

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!’
~CS Lewis

“He foresaw my every fall, my every sin, my every backsliding; yet, nevertheless, fixed His heart upon me.”
~A.W. Pink

“I want all my senses to be engaged. Let me absorb the world’s variety and uniqueness.”
~ Maya Angelou

I have but one passion – it is He. He alone.
The world is the field, and the field is the world;
and henceforth, that country shall be my home
where I can be most used in winning souls for Christ.
~ Nicholuas Ludwig Zinzendorf

“The world is a book, and those that do not travel read only a page.”
~St. Augustine

“A man’s greatest care should be for that place where he dwells longest; therefore eternity should be his scope.”
~ Thomas Manton

“When you’ve been set free, you should act like it.” ~Brother Yun

“I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when I do not feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent.”— Inscribed on cellar walls during the Holocaust in Cologne, GermanyWhen God takes someone from us, it is always for agood reason. When the sheep have grazed and thinned the grassin the lower regions, the shepherd will take a little lamb inhis arms, carry it up the mountain where the grass isgreen, lay it down, and soon the other sheep will follow.Every now and then our Lord takes a lamb from the parched fieldof a family up to those Heavenly Green Pastures, that the restof the family may keep their eyes on their true home and follow through.

–Fulton Sheen

Blessed are the cracked as they let The Light in.

“Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good.”- Charles Haddon Spurgeon

“All things have a beginning and all things have a end — like a story and like a life. But no love ends.” Rachel Bonner, age 7

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.Eleanor Roosevelt

“When I start becoming the person God made me to be, I get to be me. I get to find out who that is and what that means and learn to be content with the unique things that have always been true, though long hidden by my sin. I get to enjoy the thumbprint of my maker that has long lain dormant instead of trying to be someone else. There is tremendous freedom in that.”-Jon Acuff of Stuff Christian’s Like.

C. H. Spurgeon.
“God is too good to be unkind, too wise to be mistaken, and when you cannot trace His Hand, you can always trust His Heart.”

July 29, 2009

Protected: This is my earnest plea

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jeniffer @ 1:47 PM

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July 2, 2009

It’s Not All About Me

Filed under: Uncategorized — by Jeniffer @ 1:08 PM

I realized something today.  I’m not the only one on this planet.

Really?

Um…Yeah.

That’s a pretty big statement though!  After all, there’s so many people who live as though they are the only person on this earth.  The most visible display of this?  Road rage.  Bad drivers in general.  I’ve noticed lately that most drivers have decided that what they have to do is more important that what anyone else may be doing.

Guess what?  That’s not acceptable in God’s eyes.

My sisters and I get in fights all of the time when I’m home.  Go ahead…blame it on estrogen.  However, it’s because each of us tends to focus on ME!  Not each other or what’s best for all of us…just ME!  Where does that land us?  Usually somewhere between hating each other and making sure everyone else around us is upset too.  Which, by the way, is definitely NOT worth getting MY way.

Can I be frank?

Reading Twitters and Facebook statuses is getting really old.  I mean, is it that important that everyone know about your horrible day at work?  Or the fact that you had to get up to go to work and didn’t like it?  How about the fact that your BFF is coming over?  Or that you have “officially” posted your pictures from such-and-such event?  I dunno…maybe that stuff is really important to you.  But I’m a little more concerned about your friend who needs prayer; your inability to handle life’s problems; the fact that your daughter, son, sister, brother, niece, or nephew just said or did something funny; the true you, not the shallow “is going to work”.

I know I’m as guilty, if not moreso, in this area of my life as others.  Nothing I post is actually significant.  But then I read the story of a little girl named Audrey Caroline…and I realized that my life is more than just me.  It’s about giving my life for others because that is how God is glorified in me.  It’s about serving others in a genuine, heartfelt way–something I am absolutely terrible at doing.  My life is about the giving of me.  Period.  No matter if anyone likes it or follows me or sees any significance in it.  My heart should be turned to those around me.  Period.  Even if it’s breaking inside.   Even if I’m hurting, God is sufficient to supply ALL of my needs through Christ Jesus!

Do you get it?  Do you understand what I’m talking about?  Surrendering all of me, all of my needs and desires to God for His benefit, His glory.  No matter if it’s helpful or hurtful to me.  No matter if there’s any profit in it for me.  It’s all for Him!

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m kinda tired of seeing so many who claim to be living for Christ allowing the world to creep in and take the selfless heart out of them.  They don’t even see it.  And then I see a few, a very select few, who are always encouraging others, and I feel ashamed of myself.  Because I don’t.  And I want to.  Period.  Even if it doesn’t benefit me.

That’s what this life is about!  That’s what being a Christian is about!  It’s about living for Jesus, no matter the cost!  No matter the price or the hurt.  Becuase one day, everything will give Him the praise and honor and glory that is His due.  And that day, all of this pain, all of this hurt, all of this selfless giving, will be completely, utterly worth it.  It’s in the struggles, my friends, that we are molded more into His perfect image.  It’s in the tough times that He shines through us even more.  May my life be one that reflect Him in every way, even down to my battered, torn heart.  May I become more like my Savior.

Love you!

Jeniffer

July 1, 2009

From an emotional wreck…

Filed under: God,miscarriage — by Jeniffer @ 9:05 AM

So the past day or so has been really hard on me.  Since I haven’t been on here in forever, let me just explain what’s been going on in my life.  On April 26, 2009, my husband, Drew, and I found out that we were pregnant.  We were so very excited, and I couldn’t believe that I could actually look around in the baby department at Wal-Mart FOR A REASON!!  I was also busy thanking God that He had given us a child after I had given up my claim to have children.  At the same time, though I was praying that everything would be okay, that God would take care of the baby, and that my baby would be healthy.  Though these are “normal” prayers, they did not match with the surrender that I had given God a few days before.

Skip a week and a day…May 1, 2009.  I run to the bathroom with the urge to pee, and I found that I was bleeding.  That I had passed a clot.  And I freaked out.  It was the last day of classes, but I headed out with my hubby to the ER.  Long wait, short answer:  our baby had died.  On the way to the ER, I had told Drew that I was giving the situation to God, but that didn’t erase the hurt that I felt.  The emptiness of my womb.  The knowledge that, from now on, December 2 (the baby’s due date) would haunt me, as well as May 1.  I naturally miscarried on May 3 (again at the ER) and bled for about a week after that.  Everything worked out okay, and my hormone level went down to 5> about 2 weeks after I miscarried.

I have been dealt with the grief over losing my baby.  I named it “Abiah”, which is the Hebrew name meaning “God is my Father.”  I even wrote a short story about the event where little angels that look like fairies come and take my baby’s soul home to Heaven.  And now?  Now I’m waiting for my first period (still) and dealing with God’s request for me to give Him my right to have children again.

It’s especially hard right now because so many women are pregnant or giving birth.  My mom knows a woman who just gave birth yesterday, and God worked a miracle in the baby’s life.  It’s awesome, but it hurts.  There’s a girl who graduated last year who just had a baby that, at first, she didn’t want.  She was even angry at God for, basically, giving her a family too soon in her mind (she just celebrated her first anniversary this past May).  A friend of mine who lives a few apartments down from us recently found out that she is pregnant, too.  Not to mention all of the women I see when I’m out that are pregnant or have small babies.  One of my best friends recently had a baby, too.  Though I’m not jealous of her, it kinda adds to the frustration.

Let me clarify, though.  I’m not grieving over the loss of Abiah.  I’m okay with the fact that God called *her* home.  I know His plans are best, and He knew that she needed to be in Heaven more than I needed *her* here on earth.  Right now, I’m fully emotional and struggling because I really want another child.  I want children anyway, but I especially want a child now.  I feel as though another child will help me to get passed the feelings of inadequacy and resentment that I have.  I feel as though another child will allow me to find an appropriate outlet for my motherly love.  I’m tired of feeling as though I’m using other people’s kids to fill my needs.  I want my own!

And this is where today comes in.  I honestly feel God asking me to give up my right to have kids, point blank.  Period.  No adoption, nothing.  Nothing for certain at all.  And I can give it to Him, but not without becoming an emotional wreck.  Not without thinking that I’ll never have kids of my own and how much it’s going to hurt.  Not without a lot of fighting against it, even though I know that surrender is sweet relief.  I am literally crying out to God to take away my fears, my idea of failures, my inadequate feelings, my idea that I know what’s best for me and replace all of that with a peace.  Because, yes, it hurts, but the peace of God passes all understanding.

So…if you’re reading this, please pray for me.  Don’t pray that God will give me a child, but that He will help me to live life to the fullest, even without one.  Don’t pray that God will reveal Himself to me, but that He will give me peace and comfort because He has revealed His will for my life.  Thank you.

♥

Jeniffer

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